That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
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My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Somewhere in an alternate universe
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU