me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
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About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.