12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
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[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
dictator is short for richard potato
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes