I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
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Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Seas the day!!!!
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.