[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
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[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…