Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
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When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
An odd boast
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
my name if I was in the mob