Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
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Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.