When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
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I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Sorry not sorry.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I get distracted pretty eas
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I can’t wait!
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”