For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
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New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.