I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
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God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
spot the difference
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?