Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
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My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I would like even faster food.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Catercrombie & Fish
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.