Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
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Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
When you kidnap a writer.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes