[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
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[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Ugh but profoundly
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.