I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
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Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Who knew!
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us