I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
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“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.