The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
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Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
you will never know the true number of layers
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Introverted vegans go meetless
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Husband of the year 😂
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.