Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
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Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.