I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
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The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.