keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
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Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.