My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
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I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail