Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
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[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Not messing around
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful