My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
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If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.