The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
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*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Pass gas, not judgment.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.