My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
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*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
synchronized noseblowing
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now