It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
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13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort