don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
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Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Every time.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
There is no “we” in chocolate.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.