I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
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he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Jupiter
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
This kid is a star!
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄