[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
You Might Also Like
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.