me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
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4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse