The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
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I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee