Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
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#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
My circle of trust is a meatball
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.