I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
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My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*