Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
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If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
It do be feeling this way.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat