Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
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Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?