*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
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Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*