[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
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Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.