Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
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Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
That’s incredible! 👌
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking