*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me