ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
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Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I鈥檓 still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that鈥檚 what they TOLD me to say.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can鈥檛 dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 馃憤馃徎
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Yes I鈥檝e gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
3% human
97% stress
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I鈥檒l start: Kenny Loggins
Told the kids it鈥檚 gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.