Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
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if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
the dark web is just a goth google.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”