[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
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An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Are we there yet?…
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.