Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
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*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Got ya covered
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Whisper out to librarians!
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
These dogs look like they have good credit.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight