My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
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When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three