[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
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Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]