never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
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You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.