Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
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Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*