ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
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Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Why is this me 😫
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.