When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
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Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.