Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
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Monday?
No. Next question.
Worth a try
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.