My safe word is now just a dry cough.
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Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE